It's been a weird month since my dad passed away. I find myself struggling to draw and to even do the things I love. I just feel like everything's useless. I find myself saying every morning that I don't want to go to school - but I force myself to. The only thing I look forward to is sleeping it seems now. Sometimes I want to sleep and not wake up. My friends have been supportive, so I'm thankful for that.

I had a dream that he was alive and said 'death isn't so permanent!' while holding his own urn.
These dreams are torturing me.

I keep telling myself no no no, this didn't happen. It's not real. No. The 'whys' and 'what ifs' are killing me. I'm generally angry at life whenever I think about it. I curse. I want to break stuff, I want to get into a fight. My dad was hospitalized many many times when I was growing up. All those times of constant worrying - taking care of him some two odd years ago. The narcotics and alcoholism, combined was a disaster. And it kept getting worse no matter how many times my dad said he would quit. It finally caught up with him. I lost the closest person to me.

The pain just comes in waves now. I can't imagine what my grandparents must feel.

My LJ-
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